revisions, reflections - erudition not needed

Taking time to reflect on revision is, can be, but does not have to be a painful process requiring erudition - the same can be said for reflection upon life, past events, current events, future desires. All that is needed is a mind set that is already in place. Be here now, here now, be - that is all it takes, that is all

Differences - Separate - Perceptions - Create

It is not our differences that separate us but our perceptions of those differences that create rifts in our fabric - let us strive not to recognize how we are different; instead, let us strive to recognize how our perceptions and consequential actions affect reality and ultimately create distance between us.

somewhere in between

people say, she came here - she is this, but others say, she is from there - she is this...

"No, I'm neither one. I'm somewhere in between. That 'somewhere in between' they can't understand."

Who stands here and who stands there

This is not meant to be a foundation by which tides will flow or from which intentions will stem or will be stemmed. Instead, this is meant to be a starting point for a process of venture. Inevitably, waves will roll from this movement to the next and either sputter out or synergistically compound upon one another until the movement has either become common place or wildly out-of-hand. In this depressive state that consumes my worst and best intentions, I’ve found a reality unbeknownst to most. Within this reality I’ve built the belief that this state-of-being is not simply unknown, but subjected to more of a repressed and unacknowledged position in life. The tendency here is to remain aloof and maintain semblances of an unfractured life. But the reality of a depressive state, as I have come to understand it, is that it does not have to be separated out as the antithesis of living, nor does it have to be an experience that is fractured from all others. Depression is a state of being that should be incorporated into existence as it is lived and not as an unwanted gift that screams, just out of reach, from the back of the top shelf of a closet that hardly experiences the rush of fresh air. I tired, just as much as you told me, to move on, to get over it, to simply put this all behind me. But, this is not my nature – this is not my process of living. In order for me to breathe fresh air I must fully experience this depressive state of being both from the outside and from the inside. So, please do not spare me by holding back your thoughts - pierce through the dense fog that surrounds me and I will hatch through the dense jungle that consumes me and we will meet at a point somewhere in-between here and there. What we must figure out now is who stands here and who stands there.

the Opposite of reality is Reality

The capacity to which I possess one value, one virtue, one aspect of life, is fundamentally equal to my ability to recognize, to express, and to take action upon the opposite of that which I believe I possess. The amount of time and energy I put into procrastination and inactivity is fundamentally equal to my ability to take action and complete that which I need and want to do. It is simply the holder's perception of a situation that creates the surrounding reality.

scrambled

the time is here - the time is now - what is this that compels that which dispels energy - facing the reality that transient roots lack water, the succulent organ of harmonious fervor idly elides from the gasping that grasps at the air - do you feel me - can you feel - by you, i mean me, and by me, i mean ..i.

fluttering through filters

a light breeze flows through the air of what is sure to be a fantastic beat to skip to - words formed from the emotional context of journeying through the interior and exterior spaces of reality are not merely words formed from the process of being present in a particular place at a specific time - no - these words live deep within the cities of the interior and reach as far out as one can gaze with imaginative thought – the complexity from which these words are formed is closely rooted in the emotional process of connection and disconnection and framed by the intermingling behaviours of individuals – even when no one else is present, there is still a dance to be danced

a whisper of your voice

A whisper of your voice

In my mind, whisks my thoughts

Away to a time set in no frame

At

All

Memories of the past

Merge with the present

And form a reality of their own

Emerging from the depths

Of my being is a love deeper

Deeper - than physical reality alone

This love expands beyond

Intimacy

Beyond the physical expanse of reality

This love knows boundaries

But blurs them

As it dances

Without concern for

The other side of this emotion

blind action is seen

the amazing aspect underlying a connected reality linked with streaming information is that those who are waiting know their importance as it is set within the framework of the actions put forth by those they are waiting on - let's take action in accordance with our energies, but not forget about those that might be waiting for even the smallest bit of our time

Subcutaneious feelings emerge from breaths of memory

Open waters maybe difficult to navigate and scary at times, but the beautiful shimmer of the nautical lights at night fill the visual space and squeeze out the horizon; even for a moment, mingling the extremities of the world is what beauty does, but just as sure as the sun will rise there will be a moment where the vast plane of voided yet opportune space will present itself. This is the crucial moment where the crew must work together to steer towards the unknown in order to maintain mutuality and encounter the same experience with reciprocal fervor.

I do not know and it does not matter, but maybe you set your sail against the tide for a reason, or maybe the wind simply caught you and charted you away from my arms; a reason, nonetheless, that has pummeled our existence and left us holding onto our own in open waters, reaching for whatever piece of wood that drifts by from the wreckage; grasping onto the life saving memories, I ponder this reality and understand that I will eventually let go, I must let go in order to survive the breath of existence.

I do not believe that people act without thought, but I do believe that people fail at times to think when they act. Something that I am no stranger to and so it seems neither are you. Maybe you were thinking and maybe you were not; it does not matter because what was the present is now the past and we now have to chart our own course from here. I love you. I loved you, but I cannot love myself any longer if I continue loving you the way that I do, the way that I did.

I want you to know this: nothing that has emerged or has yet to come into existence can erase you from my mind or from the pulse that fills me with energy. When we were together, even over the vast planes of our physical existence, you filled the air that inflated my lungs - the air that traveled through my veins in order to energize my body - the air that fueled my thoughts and upon exhaustion was exhaled from my body. Particles of you still fill my airspace and will continue influencing my movements, but with time they will decrease with time. However, no matter the amount, I will cherish the subcutaneous feelings that emerge from sustaining breaths of memory.

tears that smile - smiles that cry: mundane aspects of life that entice an emotional response

Blind Man waiting for a Bus

while exiting a bus with a professor of mine we walked by a blind man standing in the street where the buses pull up, park, let out passengers, and new ones climb on. my professor said something to him as we passed, but due to my inability to speak the language i was left wondering - wondering how a system that does not seem to fully support people with disabilities would board the correct bus - if i were blind and standing in the middle of the street that is basically an outside bus terminal, my thoughts might be something like this ____ what is it, where is it, who are you; whistling around i hear steps but no one stops, not even a hey you are not on the curb or bus number, what bus number do you need - i would love to get home, but a simple hello would even do - what's this somebody said something to me, what was that i did not quite hear, can you see that i'm standing in the middle of a busy bus terminal with people walking all around or are you blind to, i know i can do this on my own because i have done it so many times before, but do you know, do you care - oh, that must be it, you must be blind like the everyone else that has passed me, your eyes only see what they want to see, which is the difference between you and me: my eyes don't see anything that i want to see.

tears that smile - smiles that cry: mundane aspects of life that entice an emotional response

the place to start is unclear because this idea did not start in the moment of this writing, nor did it develop from one singular event - this idea is something that started long ago, perhaps it first originated from a distant ancestor of mine who transferred it through the generations and now to me, or maybe it was a close friend who planted this thought in my mind; there is no sure way to know - the important thing is moving from this point onward - therefore, this will be the start of sharing the experiences my life passes through (one important point to add is that the process of passing through something is not like the process of walking through a tunnel or a doorway; there is no starting point and there is no end point, so passing through is not quite the right expression, but it will do for now).

short notes:

- blind bts

- student pineapple

- child POMELO (Som-oh)

expressions

not having even the slightest grasp of language propels me into a languid state of expressionless pain - something that is lacking in something should not hurt, but i twist and contort my mind until it lashes back and all but shuts down - i'm still processing, but the processing does not surface because the artifacts of my mind have been buried in the cloud of disconnection - is there a way out or is am i trapped inside this state of mind - but it stands to be questioned that if something is buried in a cloud it must be free to move from one state to another -

just a splattering of words

nothing - exile

To what extent is the state of nothingness the existence of the traveler - always on the outside of culture - disconnected from a former existence - perhaps, in traveling, we believe that new horizons will help us change - the reality is that in travel we are distancing ourselves from an ability to experience change; we are simply stacking upon what is already there, not changing -

Anaïs Nin: "Because if you truly wanted to change, you would not be so impatient to leave. Your mind is fixed on the departure times of cargo ships!"

exiled in thought, exiled in body, exiled in...how can one be exiled when one is exiled in something. is exile an action experienced in a singular moment or is it a process experienced over the course of multiple actions leading to an existence of disconnectedness from one's former self, one's former reality, one's previously experienced existence - is exile a external state of matters or an internal feeling - what defines the state of exile - what contributes to the continuance of exile - is exile inflicted or sought after - exile, exiled, ex...ile - that which is no longer a passage way for self travel -------========---------==========~~~~~~~~~~{________}. . . ...e

how many zombies are out there

expressions -1-2-3- temporal breaths bring about life and life brings more temporal breaths. Thus, the cycle continues until death. Where is the end and where is the start. I often think that I know, but in reality i really don't. I simply assume that a particular point in time marks the beginning of an event or the beginning of an action, but in reality the starting point, for me, is merely a point on a string of points that is merely a product of other points – single points are just as important as the sum of their connective points, but a particular point's connectivity to the world and to reality gives definition to the product/action and it is through the later that allows one to determine its value. These connective units can only exist if we allow them to exist. A failure to perceive and understand means that the thing in question does not exist.
----

The point of the rambling above is to expose my thought that beginning could be the end or it could even be hidden within the middle – the point is is that I often limit myself and my understanding of the world and reality by thinking one way -
----_---;_-------.---<->--?-?-...
---- now on to the real point of this post ----

on multiple occasions, from at least two people, I have heard that I have one expression, one way of letting those around me know how I feel. I thought that this was good because I was not allowing my emotions to freeze me into a state of anger, jealousy, rage, love, lust, loneliness, happiness - as it turns out, I was wrong (for me at least). Emotions are the connective pillars of society. If we were to walk around like zombies, which is the state of being that I am attributing to myself, as of late, then we will create more disconnections than connections. Disconnections are connections, however futile they may be, but the substance of life is not a life lived on one’s own; it’s a life that relishes in the mingling of breaths shared between existences. I wonder how many other zombies are out there, ones that are locked in a non-communicative state of being like me.
Funny thing is is that i am an emotional being.
I am not a zombie.
So, from here forth, I will try to expose the hidden emotional side of myself in an effort to energize my connections with those around me, but I must say that I have acquired a taste for brain soup, so shaking my zombie like behaviors might be more difficult than imagined. :Cd

a Start

This is sure to be an interesting adventure into the makeup of my mind. My objective is subjective in nature in that I desire to expose my thoughts, my perceptions, my understanding of the world I experience. The trick here will be to not only see, but to feel, hear, smell, and taste reality as it is and not as I think it should be. Maybe, more importantly, the trick is to stay in the present moment in order to maintain awareness of my unfolding reality. Wrapped up in the process of an unfolding reality is a constructive process that is influenced by me and those within my social sphere, as well as those outside of my social sphere. To tease your taste buds with the sweet nectar of actor network theory, visit Bruno Latour's website (http://www.bruno-latour.fr/index.html) or browse the internet for actor network theory. Be advised, the thoughts placed in this blog do not necessarily adhere to the theory of actor networks, but this theory (as much of it that I can understand) has influenced my thought process.

How I currently define world and reality --

• world: the physical aspects that one comes into contact with: people, things, objects, ideas presented by another person (ideas in this sense are related to way others perceive the world)
• reality: the psychological aspects of one's world; the thoughts and feels one develops from experience the physical world

As I see it, experiential awareness is not simply about using one's senses in order to psychologically perceive the world (to create one's reality). Experiential awareness is a method of acknowledging, processing, and, hopefully, understanding one's sensual experience with the world in order to open one's mind with respects of creating a reality that fits. A reality that fits should not be like a pair of shoes that are rarely, if ever, shared with another person. Instead, a reality that fits should resemble a flower floating on the surface of a lake. The flower's stem is submerged in the water and is connected with every aspect of the water. However, the flower's petals distinguish themselves by floating gracefully on the surface. In this sense, each individual is unique and beautiful; however, we live within the social world and create social realities that are molded off of our personal world and personal reality. The question that arises is not which shapes which, but, rather, how does one interpret and incorporate one into the other.

Questions are welcomed, so please ask whatever comes to mind. This blog is a process in as much as it is a end product.